Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Poor Man's Top Chef

Since Bravo no longer has Project Runway, the best reality show EVAH, it needs to make up for lost awesomeness by pimping out the shows they do have. I can understand that they'd want to get more leverage out of Top Chef, arguably their only classy show left. (Ok, those New Jersey housewives are pretty classy too.) I was sort of interested in checking out Top Chef Masters... I hadn't seen or heard too much buzz surrounding the show and all I knew was that some famous chefs were going to compete Top Chef Style.

My oh my, what a let down. The regulars were nowhere to be found... they got some hoebag to fill in for Padma, and Tom and Gail were only shown in brief video snippets describing the competing chefs. And speaking of chefs, we only got four of them. They don't even live in a fancy house together and try to make out - they just show up, cook and go away. The biggest thrill we got was when a chef stepped into the shower with a bowl of macaroni... sexy time!

This resulted in a tedious hour of programing consisting of predictable cooking disasters (someone left their food in the freezer rather than the fridge! gasp!) played out by ridiculous stereotypes. Last night, the chefs featured included a juggling Texan,

an ugly red-faced Jewish guy, a pompous dude with yellow teeth and a French fellow with flowing gray hair. Hubert Keller (the French fellow) won the competition and must now go on to face several other celebrity chef assholes to ultimately win the title of Top Chef Master, and a few bucks for charity.

I was glad Hubert won though mostly because he DJs in his spare time. Raise the roof DJ HubE.

But hey... did anyone else notice something ridiculous about the "Champions Round"
scoreboard at the end of the show? Hubert made it to the finals so an image of his face went into a slot on the board. All of the other slots awaiting chefs have the same body outline as flowy-haired Hube!
Someone in Magic Elves' post production department is either a hilarious person or a complete jackass.

This lady is an amazing specimen. Gael Greene wins a prize for being the best judge in Top Chef history, as well as for having a ridiculous amount of e's in her name. BRAVO Gael! CAN WE GO HAT SHOPPING SOON? Galen and I suspect she's a washed up Broadway star from the 20's. She probably slept with George Gershwin, scored an understudy role in Funny Face, and then went on to be a homeless lady/food critic. Obviously I'm in love.

There is one thing about Gael that's slightly troubling... check this excerpt from her bio on Bravo's website:

"As New York Magazine's famed restaurant critic for over 30 years and the Insatiable Critic Columnist, Gael Greene has gone to great lengths to conceal her identity so that no restaurateurs can identify her."

Hmmm. Cause if I saw this:
I wouldn't find her to be recognizable at all. Gold medal for inconspicuousness.

I might watch this show again, but if I do, it will only be to see what sorts of head pieces Gael busts out in weeks to come.

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