Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Housewives: Double Shot

Last night was such a big night of TV. First we got to hear about Obama's magical plans for the economy (chocolate in every under-privileged school's water fountain! unicorns for all families who make under $250,000) and then we got a delicious double dose of Housewives. Recap time!

At the Real Housewives of OC Reunion, the girls were looking skanky classy and refined in their battle gear. First we heard from Gretchen, who didn't look the slightest bit guilty of slutting around town with the likes of some stalker/best friend (and also Slade Smiley!) while she was with her cancer-ridden husband... But you know what? More power to her. Being slutty can be fun! But gurl... you know where Slade Smiley has been and you don't want to go there.

Then we saw Lynne whose fake smiles were more indicative of a mental breakdown than ripping out one's hair and eating one's scalp scabs (my friend went to school with a girl who actually did that!)
I feel bad for Lynne. Why are all the ladies such jerks to her? She just wants to eat salad and make jewelry ok? And just so you know, she doesn't smoke "bombs." She's like the Rose Nyland of the OC, just give her a break.

And then there was Tamra...
What was that? Did I just hear somebody blow a hottie whistle? Tamra was such a hoe bag in this episode, let's be honest. I thought it was a little odd that she claimed to be sorry for sleazing his son on Gretchen, but then accused Gretchen of being slutty and irresponsible because of what went down that night. She also mentioned she's selling her used fake boobs on ebay if anyone's interested, which they're not.

Which brings us to Vicki the rocket scientist.
This woman needs psychological help- mainly to get her to understand that she should not be wearing clothes from Contempo Casuals made for 16-year-olds. After smirking at Gretchen and making Lynne cry, Vicki informed us that her husband Don is getting better at filling up her "Love tank." *shudder* The tank is now approximately 50% full. And her husband Don is is now a complete shell of a man.

Moving on the the Real Housewives on NY, we caught up with everyone partying in the Hamptons. We got to go on a little shopping trip with NY's creepiest couple, Alex and Simon. Simon's seersucker shorts provided some major LOLZ.

Stunning. Can you believe they spent $8,000 on shitty summer clothes? I hope they were spun out of gold and can cure AIDS.

The highlight of this episode for me was exploring the zaniest NYC housewife in all her glory. Can we discuss the top 3 reasons Ramona is amazing?

1. She pulls strange Albino creatures out of her pockets at parties to spice things up.Did anyone else find it fascinating that about 30 minutes into the Countess' party, Ramona managed to conjure up a freaking albino lizard out of nowhere? She was all "Oh my friend's son just got it! No big whoop." And I was all, ""Nice try Ramagic, we know you have a lizard factory in your chest cavity."

2. She likes to get greasy.
Dag yo! Check out those guns! And that leotard... meow.

3. She has the prettiest face in all the land.
I have hereby renamed her Ramazing.

But even Ramazing's magic couldn't protect me from this day at the beach:
GAH! My eyes are bleeding! Bravo, what have you done? For shame.

And finally, at the saving cancer tent party, we got to see Bethenny let loose. After the motivational speech from the zen-like Grand High Jew Mother, she has clearly realized life is too short to pine after some short bald dude with kids from another marriage. See how pretty she is with her new boyfriend the fan?
Stay cool in the summer heat Beth! See you next week.

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