What the Hell Is Wrong With Me?

Sometimes I look at my life and say, "Hey lady. You're doing ok. You have a nice boyfriend and a very cute dog and an okay job and you live in one of the coolest cities in the world."

And then other times, I see certain stuff that makes me want to gouge out my eyes with my bic pen and bash my head against my cubicle wall until in breaks open and my brain falls into the garbage can where the cleaning lady will collect it and tie it up in a bag with a bunch of used tissues and granola bar wrappers.

One such thing that causes this extreme anguish is the fact that this little shit named Alex Greven wrote a book that was published by Harper Collins in November. He is 9. His book, entitled "How to Talk to Girls" (ooo how CUTE! and by CUTE! I mean so sickening that it makes me throw up in my mouth) was just optioned by Fox. They are going to make Alex's book into a movie. The Hollywood Reporter says that some of the adivce in his book includes:

Comb your hair and don't wear sweats; control your hyperness and cut down on sugar if necessary; a crush is like a love disease that can drive you mad; it is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry but are like cars that need a lot of oil.

I can't wait to see this in the theaters when Seth Rogen is playing the guy who can't get girls and Drew Barrymore is the pretty, loveable girl he wants to get with if only he could just stop wearing sweats! He tries desperately to change and is mistaken for a homosexual after combing his hair the wrong way. Hilarity ensues before he gets Drew and learns a little about himself in the process.

So 9 year olds can get movie deals while I struggle to write and pay my rent. That seems pretty fair.